There’s something i need to tell you, and i’ve needed to tell you for such a long time. i’ve planned the conversation in my head so many times, but each time something gets in the way.. and i let it… because i’m worried about what you’d say… about what you’d think… but im so scared…

scared because i feel far too strongly for you… im scared of how much i love you… and scared of losing you in case this ever gets in the way of what we have… because i couldnt bear losing you… ever… it would break me.. and there’s no way i could handle that… i know that only a few days ago you said that you never wanted to lose me… but that’s exactly why i cant tell you all of this… 

a year ago, i never imagined that we could have what we have… and that what happened couldve happened… and after talking the other night, i cant believe that you’d have done the things you said you would have with me, if id let you have that chance… 

the truth is… i’ve completely fallen in love with you… i never planned it… i never expected things to turn out this way… when my feelings changed i dont know… but somewhere along the line i fell for you… and hard… dont get me wrong, it feels good to be in love, better than good… amazing really… but the fact that i can do very little about that kills me inside… every day… if we were both single then things would be different… but i know how much you love her, another reason why i cant tell you this… because i can see how happy you are with her, and i dont want to change that… 

but even so, i cant stop myself thinking about the things that happened this year… you gave me the most amazing week ever… you gave me my first kiss, and more… i dont know if you understand how special that is to me, and im so glad that i shared it with you… i know that not many people put real value on their first kiss these days, but i really do… and well you saying you would’ve done ‘everything’ with me that night, well it makes me wish that i’d let you… even though i know that i was right not to… i just cant help the way i feel any more… before all that stuff happened, o had some control over the way i felt, because i just assumed that you’re feelings for me were no more than friendship… but knowing that there’s something else there that we both feel.. well i just cant control it anymore…

i would literally sacrifice anything (other than our friendship) to be with you… but i understand how unlikely it is that, that will never happen… because even if you did end up being single, so technically we could be together.. how would we explain it?… we’ve spent so long defending ourselves against this… how would we explain the sudden change of heart? not to mention how unfair it would be on her… the logistics dont work out.. that doesnt mean to say i’d rule it out if that ever did happen… but i honestly cant see it happening, however much i’d want it to…

god, i wish i could tell you all of this… i really do… im so sick of hiding it every single day… but needs must eh?… i’d never let myself put you through this… i just couldnt do it… 

i just hate not knowing if you know how i feel about you or not… i mean there’ve been clear displays of it several times this year… but i just dont know if you quite understand the extent of it… i dont know if we’ll ever know… 

i just hope to god that it doesnt get too much, and that one day i end up saying something i shouldnt… because i fear you’d hate me for it… or at least distance yourself to try and protect us both… because that would be the end of my world… literally… i dont know how i’d be able to go on without you… i dont think i could… 

you ARE my world… you light up my life… you let me know that someone cares, even when it feels like the whole world has turned against me… you are my sun, because i know you’re always there if i cant always see you… you are my everything… 

and quite simply,

.

i love you

a whole 2 years have passed… so why the hell am i still crying over you?… you were NEVER the person i thought you were… that person doesn’t exist… never has, never will… so why do i still feel all this pain?… you’re nothing to me… and there’s nothing you can say/do to change that… we haven’t spoken in a 2 years, and that’ll never change either…. I never have to see you ever again… and with that being the case, why is everything still so fresh in my mind?… why am i crying as if it’s the first time again? just tell me that…. you have absolutely no idea what you’ve done to me, you could never understand it, because there are very few people in this world sick enough to lie about the things you lied about and do the things you did to me… i hope to god you’re happy now, otherwise you will have wasted 4/5 years of both our lives with all your lies…and that’s time that I’ll never get back… and even worse than what you did, you never even apologised… but then again, it’s not like it would have meant anything… i could never have believed you were sorry, it could have just been another one of your lies… you are an evil, lying bitch and one day everyone will see you for what you really are… one day… you say you loved me, well if you can do this to someone you love(d) I’d hate to see what you could do to the people who you don’t care about… I’m just a spare part from the life you used to have… just like a toy you can play with and manipulate, something without feelings and emotions… something that doesn’t really matter… if you break it you can fix it, or just replace it with a new one… well here’s a news flash for you… I’m a living breathing human being with plenty of feelings and emotion… and well you broke me, but there’s no way of fixing me… not after the lengths you went to… and believe me love, you’ll never find another friend like me… i may not be anything special… but i was there for you when no one else was… always… regardless of anything else… you’ll never find another person like that, believe me….

i may dislike a number of people, but i believe that hate is a very strong word… but in case you didn’t already know I actually HATE you for what you’ve done to me… i like i said, I’m nothing special… but i didn’t deserve any of this, and really haven’t got a clue what the hell was going through your head… but i don’t suppose that matters now… the damage is already done… and if the two years have shown me anything, they’ve shown me that it’ll be a long time before the pain will go away… so yeah, thanks for that…

The original idea for this blog started when I had something i wanted to say to a friend, but i could never say to their face. so instead i wrote an anonymous letter online. I needed to get my feelings out there, but where no one would know it was me. But then i thought, i cant be the only one out there who needs to do something like that, there must be plenty of people who have something to say, but cant say it. 

so thats where this blog comes in. use the ask or submit page to write a letter, make a confession, share an opinion - whatever. just say what you want/need to say. if there’s something i feel i can help with, i may add to some posts, but honestly i’m not that great at giving advice, so i wouldnt expect too much of me to be honest.

I’ll update as much and as often as I can, bearing in mind i am a university student so occasionally there may be times (like during exams) where i dont get much chance. But know i’m always here, and i’ll do what i can.

I dont expect this blog to become particularly popular, but i just wanted to try and do something to stop people feeling like they have no one to talk to and that they have to bottle things up like i did. that isnt the answer, and i want people to know it.

well, that’s all i have to say for now. 

i’ll just wait for the posts to start coming in. 

thank you